I’m here again

Jenny,

I miss you.  So so much has happened sincce our last blog post.  I look back at the days, sitting in that two bedroom apartment with my nephew in the next room and it blows my mind.  I don’t even know where the fuck to start.  I had to add the fuck in to emphasize how crazy this life is and how unpredictable it can be.

I’m writing to you right now because I need to feel your love through your prayers.  My boyfriend needs our prayers right now. It’s amazing how bad events can put so much into perspective.  I feel angry with myself for caring so much about my poor money skills or the number on the STUPID scale.

I just want to be there for him right now.  I want to love him and get through painful times together.  He needs me right now and this scares me to death.  I am tired of feeling so sorry for myself.  Not everything is about me and my stupid eating issues.  Fuck that.  Who cares if I threw up today?  This does not define my life or change the fact that I am a good person.

I know that you understand me despite the lack of details I’m giving you.  Just please pray and hold us in your heart and I will hold you in mine. You and I have been so afraid to share ourselves through this space.  We became afraid of being so honest and transparent.   I actually judged the person that I was who wanted to break the secrecy.  I judged myself as being self-pitying and also foolish for risking my privacy and exposing the pain beneath the exterior I show to the world.

I am seeing today that being numb and hiding away in the shadows has cost me greatly in the past few months.  I have felt this underlying anger and agitation as I stuff away my emotions with food and then purge them violently.  I am hurting my body.  I am telling the universe that I am not worthy of being here.

Jenny, I pray that you can feel my love across the space and distance of this night.  I pray that you are willing to be brave and let your heart open up again.

xoxo

Erin

The heart is our guide

Dearest Jenny,

Just a quick note to tell you that your attention and love these past few days has reminded me that I must not give my vulnerable heart to just anyone. There are certain people in my life, such as you, whom have earned my trust and with whom I can give of myself freely without fear of judgment. Then there are others with whom I must carry a shield of protection and walk cautiously beside them before I hold out my hand.

There is such a delicate balance between being bravely vulnerable and being prematurely trusting. So I am going to do the exercise that you suggested yesterday.

“Imagine that he is the one who would take your hand, and he would be the one you walk beside…please register how that would feel…I believe our innerself will always be honest.”

What beautiful advice from my most intuitive friend.

My mind and heart desperately wants to believe that he is the right person. I am so tired of the disappointment of giving my heart and feeling the pain of realization that my desire is just that..desire..not love.

A part of me wants to prove to myself that I can be loved and adored, that I can drive someone to desire me so much that he would COMMIT to just me and let me be enough.

I’m terrified that perhaps I am not worthy enough to have that love. Perhaps I am too sensitive, too needy, too EVERYTHING to be functional in a relationship.

I am asking God to help me let go of my needy desires and just let “thy will be done.” Dear God, help me to let go of the need to control the outcome. I want love to find me without me having to push or pull or fear. Help me to just be unapologetically me and let that be enough. Let me trust your plans for my life.

I am going to do that exercise now, and a part of me fears it, don’t we so often resist what we need most? I worry that I can not differentiate the truth in my heart from my ego’s desires, but I will do my best. I will pray for both you and I to find the love that never pulls away.

I also wanted to share a thought that passed through my mind today when I was contemplating one of my usual juice cleanses…I thought…”If anyone can do it, I can.” Ummm…whoaaa…what the fuck? Where did this crazy self- belief come from. It was such a strange and foreign statement to enter my stream of thought.

I loved it. I embraced it. I celebrated it because it showed me that I am slowly challenging my perspective of myself and beginning to believe that I hold power and I can take control of my life. There is power in this fragility.

I read back to some of my posts earlier this year and I was drowning in depression. I am slowly finding my way out, and the sunbeams are slowly dancing on my skin, and I am opening up to life again. Like a flower petal opening to the sun.

I am off to sit quietly on the floor. I will close my eyes. I will place my hands over my heart. I will allow my heart to guide me. I will trust that the heart knows. The heart is our guide.

Love you to pieces,

Erin

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Aside

Life is fragile.

Dearest Jenny,

A highschool friend has died. Just 31 years old. He was hit by a semi as he was walking across the highway. In an instant, he vanished from this earth. We are all devastated. We are all mourning. We don’t understand.

I am suddenly in contact with friends I haven’t spoken to in ten years. We have been transported in our minds back to the days of bonfires, underage drinking, and partying like we had the world at our fingertips. We are brought back to a time when no one had more than twenty dollars in their bank account, where no one cared about who did what or lived where or had how many kids. We were just young and sharing our days together in friendship.

We are taken back to who we once were before the years have stripped away our innocence and broke our bonds as we moved apart.

I remember me.

It was funny, an old friend said to me today, “are you still so fragile?” He didn’t say it in a condescending or mean way. It was just a simple, straightforward question. By fragile, I don’t think he meant weak or pathetic, I think he meant it as a compliment. Like, being fragile is okay, it’s just me, it’s who I was and who I am. No one else is like me. My friends saw me back then and they see me now. I just didn’t realize it.

Matt. Matt loved to be the center of attention. He was full of charisma and energy and was literally the life of the party. He was artistic. He was charming. He went out with both of my best girl friends in high school. He flirted with me on the bus on the art tour to new york. He had a mean streak. He pissed people off. He often drank too much. But you know what? We loved him anyway. We loved him for being an unapologetic contradiction. Matt wouldn’t have been Matt if we didn’t think he was an ass once in a while.

When we remember Matt today, we don’t deny that he was imperfect. We laugh and joke about those stupid things he said or did. We smile about the kind gestures he made that meant so much more because when he made them he was genuine and sincere. In his death, we celebrate a person who had struggles, who had joys, who lived his life as best he knew how.

That is all that is required of us. Just to do our best.

We are wasting precious time punishing ourselves for being imperfect. No one sees us in the same critical, demanding way that we see ourselves. We deserve to be here on this earth just as every other struggling human being. We owe it to Matt to love ourselves and the time we have on this earth. His death shall not be in vain.

Matt’s death has brought my friends back together. We are a family again. We are holding each other up in our sorrow and fragmented memories. Matt has reminded us to live today and stop waiting for tomorrow.

Life is fragile…and so am I…and that’s okay. I just want to do my best.

Jenny, let’s live our lives now. Let’s stop trying to be better or different. We are enough. Just as Matt was enough.

xoxo

Here’s what Matt’s friend Jer wrote on his facebook wall…(Those boys were trouble together :P)…“Dear Matt, It brings me great sorrow that you left us all so soon but no matter where you are and where ive been we are always together in our thoughts and in our hearts. we’ve always stayed in touch over the phone and now it will be in prayer. you are my best friend nobody can ever replace your spot in my heart. 23 years of unconditional love and friendship has bonded us like brothers, we are brothers. i go on living with you in my heart and on my mind and i will make you proud by living a good life to the fullest. i promise to remember you and always be the best uncle i can be to your daughter, tell her many stories about you. how you used to drive me crazy. i love you very much and the man you’ve become and the father you are we will all miss you. see you in heaven my brother R.I.P Love Jer

She is my friend

Hi Jenny,

I’m sorry it has taken so long to write you back. I read your last letter and I wanted to write back immediately, but somehow, I felt like I couldn’t find the words to match the beautiful ones you wrote. The story you shared about your art teacher is heartbreaking. Yes, bad things do happen to good people. Perhaps God knows that these beautiful souls have the strength to endure the pain and become an incredible example to those around them.

I think of my nephew who has lost an eye at age 13, he has had to endure almost two years of hiding behind sunglasses, countless painful surgeries…and yet, he is always so happy, so content, so loving and giving to those around him. I long to take the pain away from him, because he does not deserve it. Why would God let this happen to him? Why him??

I guess we just have to trust that there is a purpose to all of the pain in this life. I truly believe that there is a better place for us, free of suffering, free of sickness, where we are all equal and no one cares if you wear a size zero or fourteen…because there will be no sizes. We just have to keep holding on and cherishing our friends on this earth who are able to see our beauty beyond the physical. You are one of those friends for me. I feel seen by you. I feel loved despite my self-absorbed, melodramatic sobbiness.

There are some friends that just love you for you, and there are some with whom you must guard your heart. Do you know that feeling? When you have spent time with a friend and you leave feeling sort of feeling…uneasy? Like you can’t quite put your finger on it, but you felt judged or resented somehow. I think it’s natural for females to be competitive with one another, but I value the friendships that are based on unconditional love and not comparisons.

I guess in a roundabout way, I’m trying to say that we can get through anything in this life if we are kind, loving human beings, if we hold each other up. I wish that you could accept and love yourself as I love you. I wish that you did not suffer. Just know that I am here, perhaps a million miles away, but I am here.

I know that you and I are going to be just fine. Even if bad things happen, even if we still have this love/hate relationship with our bodies, we will be fine.

Love for you always,

Erin

” She is my friend. She’s my family. My insides. She will be fine because she has to be fine. That’s how important she is to me,” Carrie Bradshaw

What if bad things happen to good people.

Erin,

i am upset. Today I came across my former teacher of the art school, and the funny thing is, at first, I totally didn’t notice him. I saw someone looking at me at the supermarket, and I didn’t pay attention. And then he talked to me, saying he was saw me on television, which wasn’t true at all. I immediately recognized him as my former lecturer from art school, who supervised me with my paper about journalistic technics. It hit me he was in a wheelchair. So after paying at the counter, I suggested to have a coffee together, which he liked. So this former lecturer, who gave me a great grade for my paper, is disabled now. He has a transverse myelitis, and can’t move anymore. He told me he lost his his strength, and now can only use 10% of what he used to. I really wanted to know what happened, so I asked straight out what happened. Turned out he went on a skitrip with his then girlfriend and kids. It was winter, and it was slippy on the road, and my teacher slipped with the car, and he broke everything what could be broken without dying.

The other passengers were fine, except for him. He broke a lot, and it took him a long time to recover. So I informed why he called the ‘ex-girlfriend’, so it happened that the woman broke off their relationship. During the recovery she was there, but not really, and when he was finally more or less recovered (but he now has to use a wheelchair), he asked her to marry him. She rejected him. After four years of being together.

It was such a sour story to hear. So sad. I saw this man on the table, and I felt so sorry, but I told myself not too pity him, because no one wants to be pity, everyone wants to be seen as strong, as capable, as to be able to conquer all kinds of difficulties of life. So today I sat with my teacher, and we talked about religions. Before the carcrash he studied theology, and all kinds of religions, like Buddism, Taoism and more. Actually i was glad to hear that he had reached that kind of ‘consciousness’ before he got hit – i just hoped somehow he would find a way to live with this (alternated) course in his life.

I mean, he is a good person. He went to skiing only because his kids wanted to, and he never went skiing. He was happy with the woman, and thought she was the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He never felt happier before than with her. The crash happened, and no one wanted it. But it happened, and it happened to him. And then he lost a great deal of his fysical health, and even the woman he intended to marry. She refused, and then he realised she never really loved him on that way that would survive this kind of challenge. Only out of guilt she took care of him while he was recovering. And when he was finally a little better, she couldn’t wait to move on. It’s so sad. I feel so sad. And then we talked about religions, and luckily my teacher was passionate and knowledgable (ofcourse he is, he lectured at art school) about religions, and the workings and why of them. He just told me a shallow top layer about religions, but it was okay. It’s always good to talk with knowledgable people, since there is not only a substantial change of ideas, but also an alchemical exchange, and that’s what I like. You always change a bit, when exchanging/communicating with others (and then not only lecturers, but okay, you get my point i think).

But I am still sad about it. So what if bad things just really happen to good people. And then the good people get harmed, and then … and then??
Is he happy? He is left by his girlfriend, lost his strength and ability to walk. He is quickly tired, and lost touch with the all the other relatives of his ex girlfriends side.
Am I to quick to judge? I sincerely hope he has transcend my quick prejudgements and is a man who is able to relativize his situation.

Yesterday I was with a girlfriend, and I cried that I was having so much trouble with my situation now. She said: Things will be fine.

And she is right. Things ALWAYS turn fine. Always. Why? Things will be fine, not because they change into the way we want them to be, but it’s because we ourselves changes. Our perception. Our desires. We alter in order to be able to live with it. And that’s what makes us humanbeings to be admired. We adapt.

The most successful species are those who are able to quickly adapt.

This being said, Erin, however, I truly hope things we wish do will turn out the way we wish them to be. I promise, if so, I will be this biggest philantrope ever, if the wishes come true. Bigger than Bill Gates 🙂

I send you a hug.

The greatest gift

Hi hunny,

I’m posting from my I-phone, so forgive me if this is not so eloquent. I just wanted to say that your post really touched me…as it did the lovely Nicole.

It’s in those moments of fear and pain for those we love that we come face to face with the significance of this brief life. When my nephew was in the hospital, so strong and brave, his eye scorched and weeping, I saw the fragility of life here on this earth. We could have lost him. My precious, brave, loving nephew, could have left us.

I remember sitting in the eerily quiet chapel in the hospital. Sobbing. Begging God to hear my voice. Tragedy brings us to our knees. I didn’t purge that week. I didn’t want to lose my connection with my family or with the divine watching over us.

That tragedy brought me home. This is why I am sitting in my room, listening to my nephew playing his x-box in the room beside me.

I want to stop losing so much time to this disorder. What if I miss out on an amazing opportunity to connect with him because I am too busy hating my thighs or the blemish on my face? Is it worth it? Do I have to wait for tomorrow to live in today?

I know that your mother is so blessed to have you as her daughter. I hope that you can find some contentment and peace, because you are right, that would be the greatest gift to our families.

Thank you for the reminder.

Xx
Erin

I love you so much I want to take your pain away

Hi Erin,

No, don’t mistake this post will be filled about crish crash crush love. That will come in another post. I promised I would write to you, so here I am. Thank you for being faithful to this blog, so it reminds me it’s a good place here.
Today I went to the hospital with my mom to check her health. She is in her mid 50’s, and she is starting to get in her female transition of losing her menstruation. It hurted soo much to hear that. I can’t believe that my strong strong, lovely mom is really getting older. I hate that. I wish I could absorb her little symptoms of forgetting things, and that I would absorb all the inconvenience she is experiencing. It’s like I’d rather to absorb all her pain, so she could stay perfectly healthy forever. I hate that.  When the doctor told us it was nothing severe, just the body getting into the transition mode .. ofcourse it was a relief, but please don’t tell me that my mom is getting old. It was like I almost wanted it be something else than the fact that my mom is growing to be an old lady.

And then I felt so powerless. Then you just don’t want that the most precious, strongest, flexible, woman in your life to become fragile. So i had a burst out, just a while ago. I know, this ‘realisation’ shouldn’t just come from today, but it never was this confrontating. I want my mom to grow old happy, content, with someone next to her, to hold her, to be with her, to take care of her.
I know the best present for a parent is to have happy children. That they see their children grow to be sincere happy people.  They don’t even have to be successfull, or rich, or powerful. If only they are happy and content.

I can’t make any promises. But I’ll try my best. My CV en Portfolio will be presented to a designagency, so I really hope I will be invited for an interview.
If that, i know my mom will be assured that I have a steady job. That’s my share to her happiness.

 

Missing us

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Jenny,

Hi hunny, how are you? I really miss my soul sista. How is the job search? How are your beauuutiful scarves? How is beautiful you?

So update on moi. I’m now working full-time. I actually really love working dayshift cause I feel like I am more a part of the “team” and can join treatment planning meetings and contribute more, you know? I love being able to have a super busy day at work and forget about food for awhile. I love that I can get through a day without letting my fat feelings and food intrude on my every waking thought. I love being able to connect with patients and have them say to me, “You really helped me today. You are such a kind nurse.”

Here’s the deal though. I have to stop telling myself that I deserve to reward my good day by eating crappy food and visiting the dreaded toilet bowl following crappy food. I’m suffering from amnesia. After every binge/purge session, I tell myself, “this sucks, you feel like crap now, don’t do this again.” I consider all the reasons that bulimia sucks…and I vow to be better…and then tomorrow comes…and I forget. I am a sucker for a quick fix. But the quick fix doesn’t fix anything at all.

I want a better life than this. I’m struggling to write this right now because it hurts to be honest. I feel like I’m always whining and never finding a solution. I believe in a better life, but when will I find the will to live it?

Not only do I deserve better, but so do my friends and family, who never get my full attention because my thoughts are filled with distraction. I need to learn to translate my experience of participating and engaging in the moment at work into my life outside of work. This is going to take some major effort, but at the same time, it makes sense that sometimes we have to take action in other ways than trying to change our eating habits.

Perhaps, I need to go out more, make plans to spend time with friends that don’t involve food, make plans to go to the gym, fill my time with writing and reading, without food in front of me and blocking my passion. Perhaps love of life must come FIRST, and food obssession will IN TURN take a lesser role in my world.

I’m kind of just rambling and spitting out my thoughts, but it has helped me once again to know that you are listening. This blog really is a safe space for me. I need to get back to it. I need to start listening again. I have used my busy work week as an excuse to stop listening and loving that truth that is IN me. My true essence is more than work, more than food, more than my body. My true self loves to write and loves her silly sensitive soul with a passion.

xoxo

Erin

Just sad.

Just need to vent. I’ve gained weight. Fuck. How did this happen? I do not understand. I feel so out of control. I just want to be satisfied with myself…body and soul. I’m so sad and I don’t know what to do to feel better. I long to feel happy again.

I’m trying to pray. I’m begging God to help me though this. Please God, help me find peace and joy again. Please.

I’m so tired.

I’m sorry for being so negative. I hope to one day in the near future write something more inspiring. I just needed to get this out. I need someone to hear me.

Erin